Stand-up Bert Kreischer chronicles the journey behind his megapopular joke.
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Excerpts of this interview were originally published along with theGood Onepodcast episodes release on November 10, 2020.
Things involvingBert Kreischercan take on a mythic quality.
That was until 2011, when he told it onThe Joe Rogan Experienceafter Rogan insisted he do so.
On VulturesGood Onepodcast, Kreischer discussed the long journey of the super-viral story.
Wait, maybe I have.
Is that the one where he cuts his finger off?
Its with Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman and theyre magicians.Of course Ive seen that!
I love that movie.
I bring it up because when the Machine story was literally happening, you were not a comedian.
Being a comedian was just a glimmer in your eye.
and there were a thousand kids?
And the cops were like, Arrest him!
and he was like, Its not here, you idiots!
Its at my house!
You had to be your own promoter, which I was distinctly uncomfortable with.
Its a long story, but it wasnt on the top of my radar.
I didnt want to be the guy doing something different.
It wasnt until I didLovelinewith Dr. Drew and they were auditioning guest hosts.
And Dr. Drew loved it, said, Hey, why dont you come back the next night?
and I told it two nights in a row.
I never really lived my life to create stories to tell onstage.
What did the story represent to you?
I dont think I knew whatIsaw myself as.
Tell the story about the time you robbed the train in Russia!
and you said, I cant, its too long.
You said it would be too hard.
I mean, you have no idea.
But if you dont know how, that can be like a 15, 17-minute story.
That was painful.So then I tell it on Rogan, knowing full well that this isnt a stage story.
And Joe was like, This has to go onstage.
I went to Columbus, Ohio, the very next week.
I went onstage, I do my derivative, shitty act of like, Know what would be fun?
Know what you gotta do to your wife?
stuff where I look back and I kind of cringe.
And I get toward the end, and these kids in the front row are like, The Machine!
And Im like, Oh yeah, thats not a stage story.
And one of the kids says, Hey man, thats the reason were here!
and I was like, What?
Just tell it, man!
I remember dudes who were sitting in the back who were like, Cmon, Bert!
you’re able to do it, man!
Well get you through it!
I swear to God!
You gotta keep telling it, man.
I started going on radio shows, and they would be like, Make him tell The Machine story!
For four years I told this story.
And Ive got to be honest with you: For two of them, it sucked.
It was so bad because I would get lost in details.
I dont think anyone really cared if it was true or not.
And the ending wasnt good.
The ending was: … so I understand you are the Machine.
Tonight you party with us.
Now youd think that would be a great ending; its not.
Theres no closure, no bookend to it.
It was a real game-changer.
I want to walk through the finished version of the story.
Heres how it happened.
Lets take Bill Burr for example: Hell give you the premise of I dont like white women.
And that grabbed the roomso quickly.
Its like,Im gonna tell you a statement thats so strong that youhaveto hear it.
That wasnt the opening for a long time.
Heres how it happened.
And all of a sudden, I literally felt an energy shift in the room.
Now every story is like, I have a human superpower: I find lost things.
I jumped out of a plane with Rachael Ray.
I kind of just told you the story, but now I want you to hear the story.
Ive always wanted to read that, and Im not a reader.
I thought that was super-important because that was one of the reasons I was in the class.
All that shit didnt matter.
So she said to me, Youll be there next semester, right?
and I was like, Right.
And he looked at her and he said, Youre right.
He doesnt speak a fucking word of this language.
He goes, I initiate the Russian Language Department at FSU.
And I was like, I dont like Russian.
He was like, What?
I was like, Im just here to get a grade.
And he literally was like, All right, this kids gonna be fun.
Another thing that was important was that my dad was the impetus of why I went to Russia.
My dad said, you should probably go to Russia.
I went to Italy when I was a kid.
You know I cant read, write, or speak the language.
Yeah, Im well aware of that.
And I was like, Fuck it, lets go to Russia and fuck some minors.
Were now at what I would call the meeting of the mentor.
Youre going to meet Igor; youre building to that.
My teacher came back to my seat.
I was sitting in the back of the plane.
That was, for me, where the adventure started.
I used to take a stab at keep that in the story because I thought it was great.
Theyre gonna be our chaperones.
We have paid them to stay with us.
Thank you so much.
They are not there to be our friends.
Do not party with them.
And I was like, Oh, I am definitely meeting these guys.
I knew they were gonna be my friends.
Im surprised you dont include the explanation of why you were called the Machine.I used to!
In the special we did, there was a Russian in the room.
Thats what I thought Id say: Im the man.
So Im the man is (ya machine-a).
If you say (ya machi-nu), that means Im a car, or I am the machine.
Russian is a very literal language.
The way Im doing it, it looks like Im saying I fuck cats, Im a car.
And Igor started laughing hysterically and brought me in.
Its a pun in Russian!
(ya robo-too kosh-koo).
Im the machine and I fuck cats!
They are on the ground laughing.
The pool-hall scam was awesome.
But I dont think they needed to hear about us breaking the law before weactuallybroke the law.
And it doesnt matter, but I cant reiterate this enough Igor was a very sweet dude.
I remember asking him, How did you get involved with this?
Igor was a very innocent guy.
It was basically an espresso, and then wed drink gin.
He was like, Do you know people who have done drugs?
And I was like, Yeah!Ivedone drugs!
And he was like, Wait, youve done drugs?
I go, Yeah, and I still havent done cocaine, and he gotso let down!
He was like, Why would you do that?
Its so bad for you!
And I was like, Igor, were drinking gin at 11 in the morning!
What the fuck are you talking about?
I think youd enjoy cocaine!
Innocence is the wrong word I guess, but there was a sweetness to him.
John Bolshoi is what they called him, which means Big John.
Thats how I communicated with these mafia guys!
I was talking to John!
Like, lets just say their language, the mobsters language, wasnt technically progressive back then.
The things they were saying were pretty aggressive.
And I told my crew, Dudes, this is the train that we robbed!
Come here, Ill show you the car I sat in!
I guess its just these old Communist trains, or old European trains.
And I showed them how you would rob a train.
We cant just let them take off and go through everyones cabin.
The other part of this story that I used to include was that we robbedmetoo!
My bag was with them!
I had to call my dad and be like, I need a new camera.
In the book you allude to the fact that the cops you hung out with were scary.They were terrifying.
Im not even exaggerating.
We could not sleep.
She was close to me and John, probably close in age too.
She said, Okay, so obviously theres a new rule: You cant rob anyone on the train.
But weve been asked to see if you guys would party with those gangsters again.
We need you guys to party with them again.
Both John and I were like, Are you fucking kidding me?
And this time we just got on the train and we drank with them.
Some people had vodka spit in their faces at certain points in the evening.
I remember my Igor very blatantly was like, The Machine is done with this!
He looked around and said Youre being children!
Youre all sitting here!
No one got hurt!
You guys lost a little money, you lost a little camera, its not a big deal!
The Machines done with this, lets go!
And I just got up with Igor and was like, I guess this is over?
I had every fucking ending you could ever imagine.
And I was like, You want me to drive a cop car?
And he was like, Yeah, its fun!
Whats the worst that can happen?
I was like, Fuck it!
That was an ending.
It could be nothing!
I just wanted it to be good, I wanted to prove to myself I could tell a story.
I dont think I had any insight into what the message was.
I remember my daughters one time when they were sharing a room, which means they were very young.
I remember walking in and they were saying something, and Georgia was like, Not Daddy.
And Isla was like, No, Isla, its true.
And I was like, What are you guys talking about?
Islas like, Georgia said you robbed a train one time with some bad men.
That cant be true, right, Dad?
And I was like, Fuck.
All right, hold on.
Its a true story, okay?
I told them the story, and they were on the edge of their beds.
Obviously I candy-coated it a little bit and explained parts that I needed to.
Isla goes, Stop!
You cant go on anymore!
I have to know do you go to jail and get in trouble?
Im like You fucking idiot, Im right here!
Clearly I dont get in trouble!
I was like, Isla, you gotta listen to the story, baby!
And she was like, Ah!
Georgia, Georgia, what do you think happens?
Georgia was like, I dont know, Dad, just finish the story!
And these twolose their minds.
They were like, He knew who you were?
I was like, Yeah, I think thats what Igor had been telling them!
Im with this guy, hes the Machine!
And they were like, Oh my gosh!
They had so many questions.
And then I left the room and I listened to them talk to each other.
So November 11, 2016,The Machinespecial comes out on Showtime.
Id gotten fired from Travel Channel, and I was in therapy.
He was getting paid literally 25 times what I was making, and I was internalizing that.
Then I got fired off that tour.
I had no dates going from the release of my special until New Years.
I dont wear a shirt.
Its how I perform.
And they were like, I think youre giving people a reason to change the channel.
They were very accurate.
No one watched my specialat all.
I think it was one of the bottom-rated specials theyd released.
All this is happening, and I am so lost.
And I remember going, Let that happen to me once.
I hired a marketing company for $6,000 a month to help me get views on my videos.
And randomly, I released The Machine on December 27, I think.
He fucking robbed us.
This is 100% true.
I did Fridays show, and it had like 3 million views.
I woke up, I looked at my phone, and the views were at like 7 million.
I was at the bottom of my career, I felt.
I think this video might help sell some tickets.Then I just watched the story climb.
They were like, Yeah, yeah, sure, its going viral.
Bert, youre doing a weight-loss challenge with Joe Rogan.
This is one of the biggest things youll ever do.
It all kind of culminated in the next weekend on the road.
I had lost the weight-loss challenge, shaved my beard off.
Im in the Stress Factory with Vinnie Brand, theres a huge blizzard, and its sold out.
And I walked onstage, and I literally said, Why are you guys here?
And someone said, The Machine!
And I said, I dont tell that anymore.
I put that on my special, Im retiring it.
And this one guy in the backs like, The fuck you are!
I just saw that on Facebook over Christmas!
Youre telling that fucking story!
It changed everything in my life, that one story.
Oh my God, hes got a special?
Oh my God, hes got TV shows?
Bill Burrs Philly rant shifts the needle.
Joe Rogan, the Carlos Mencia stuff shifts the needle.
I think that the Machine story, for me, was my shift the needle.
People are going to start wanting to party with you.
And you brush it off and say, I dont think so.
I dont really do that anymore.
The irony is thats exactly what happens.
People want the Machine.
Its kind of the opposite.
Or,You represent yourself as someone who parties, but youre sober and you dont party at all.
When I started, I had been written up inRolling Stonemagazine as the No.
I used to love getting done with a set and then partying with comics and talking about comedy.
When we did my first tour, my wife came with me for the very first run.
She was like, This is going to be a real hectic schedule.
You cant go partying with people.
And I was like, Yeah, yeah.
Then after the first show, I didnt go out and party, and I remember feeling very empty.
My wifes like, Honey.
And Im like, Were gonna go for one drink.
And everyone showed up.
And Ive been partying with fans after shows for now, I think, three tours.
I like when we party.
Thats a blast for me.
As youve mentioned, every show youve done since 2016, people have asked you to perform The Machine.
I dont know if youve done it at every single show since, but youve done it a lot.
Why do you think it is that they want this?
I dont look at it as a comic or You know what would be good for my brand?
I look at everything as a fan.
Lets get in the car and drive to go see that story.
Id listen to Mike Birbiglia tell any of his stories five or ten times.
Ive heard a ton of Dane Cook jokes that Id love to hear him tell again.
One night, probably like four years ago, I told it in San Francisco.
My wife was there, and as we all know, my wifes brutally honest.
She goes, Hey, if you dont want to tell it, just dont tell it.
Dont force them to sit through you fucking reciting it.
And I go, What?
Now Im at the point where I go, Ive got four stories you’re free to hear.
Everyone pick which one, and I name all four and they lose their shit for The Machine.
Ive got like ten minutes left, and they start chanting, The Machine!
And Burrs standing behind the curtain I hear him and he goes, Dont fucking do it!
Dont you fucking do it!
You dont let them tell you what to do!
You tell them whatyouregonna do!
And I go, All right.
When I was 22 … Fuck you!
You have no spine, Kreischer!
And I heard the back door shut.
Dude, theres been iterations of that story that are so enchanting.
And I was like, I wasnt a very good student, and they were reciting it with me.
And I went, You guys gotta stop, youre fucking me up.
to the point where I was crying laughing.
When I got to the end, the whole rooms standing up: Fuck that bitch!
I got offstage, and I was like,Thats amazing.
This interview excerpt has been edited and condensed.
